Saturday, October 18, 2008

Machine Expectations

The machine never puts out like expected. I handed my card in for a stamp, breath held for the future painted in my mind. I followed every step with calculated punctuation. I took risks at the expected times, not anticipating the deep marks other people could leave. I never realized how much the world would change or how the awareness of reality would creep into life perceptions. Oddly enough, many grand moments I thought would grab an epiphany from my soul turned into rituals and the nooks and crannies of experience have held the most definitions over the past years since high school.

Now I find myself frozen. Mapped confidence needs a push from the starting gate to actually take affect. All I can stand to focus on is one stage at a time, while struggling to not play the victim. Why do I mourn the cookie cutter life?

I never planned on conventional living. But when faced with the uncomfortable brink of forever un-knowns, I wish I could crawl into a normal sleeping bag instead of sleeping bare naked on the cliff. Poisonous expectations. How do I differentiate you from dreams actually happening?
I work to offer the world something of substance and reciprocation in the form of change. Youth catapults me forward as I ponder the age-old desires of belonging and contributing. For the first time, I am experiencing over stimulation for which path to choose. Part of me wants to live in the excitement of crashing title waves. Another craves the security of predictable sugar cookies at Christmas time.

This freedom I couldn’t stop thinking about transformed into a prison of wondering. Wait. Try hard. Wiggle around a little bit. Think too much. Let the hard times shape life’s outlook and then wash away. Try to realize that the best times are behind only when allowed to stay there.
I can’t keep the dreams from expanding. I can’t help but hope for His Kingdom, fulfilled and racing to cover the earth with unfailing expectations. My heart is forever marked with this restlessness. Someday the time will be right, and all of these desires will unleash with bright fury. All I am left with is the whisper of Your direction. The noise is draining away, and I can’t help but listen.

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